skoosiepants | Dudes, okay, WTF?

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Dudes, okay, WTF?

Have I been that out of the loop that I'm just hearing about this stupid Fanlib crap? Man, remember when I asked about it way back in March after I was contacted to beta or something? Dudes, I'm so glad that I'm a lazy flake and pretty much completely forgot about it right after telling them I'd help out - because Jesus, who wants to get caught up in that shit? If you ask me, it's just a stupid idea anyway, but I'm not much of a team player. I don't archive my stuff anywhere but here and my website, so. Plus, I'm HORRIBLE at fandom participation. I write, I read, I squeal about Patrick's tiny, tiny body and Spencer's truly amazing hips and John's thigh holster and Rodney's ass or whatever, and maybe I want to marry them all and have their babies or something, but I don't even IM, so. *shrugs* I'm off in my own world most of the day.

Speaking of babies,

civilbloodshed and I want Mikey & Alicia to get on with the getting on and give Gerard a niece/nephew already, because baby + Gerard = explosion of cute. He'd be the best uncle EVER with the cuddling and the happy, happy smiles. Now, go forth and write about Gerard and babies. Or puppies. I'm flexible like that. oh my god, Gerard and puppies! I think my brain just broke.

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animalshelter!Gerard! He'd try and place them all in good homes but he'd keep all the weird ones with three legs and missing eyes and end up with a parrot that attacks Ray's head and a goat that thinks he's a cat or something!

He names the goat Clara. Because it's a good cat and/or goat name. Frank is the volunteer who wants to be a vet someday! He helps out because this kid in his class has a brother who runs a shelter. It's kind of perfect really.

Gerard has this big old house where he lives. Most of the animals like Clara and the other random big animals live in this old barn out back that Gerard keeps in working order.

He's also got this huge, ugly mean pot-bellied pig - named Peaches, but Bob calls him The Devil's First Minion - that patrols the yard and Bob swears he's some sort of ninja 'cause he comes out of nowhere and runs you down squealing like a squealing thing! And Brendon helps out at Gerard's house after school because he loves animals and he's really the only one Peaches even remotely likes. OH! And there's DUCKS. These two female mallards, only they live IN the house because Gerard's three-legged dog Lefty fostered them when they were wee little ducklings.

The ducks? Kind of gay. They're from two different nests and Lefty just showed up with them one day. Well, one set one day and the other Brendon brought in, lower lip wobbling. Lefty set up and was their protector. Gerard muses that maybe it's not that Sapphy and Virginia are gay, but more like situationally gay. "Like prison gay?" Brendon offers giggling.

Brendon posits that Lefty is, like, human smart, and has full-on conversations with him that Gerard thinks is amusing and Spencer thinks proves Brendon is a complete idiot. An endearing idiot, maybe, but he's never going to actually tell that to Brendon.

Gerard surmises that Spencer won't tell Brendon for three reasons: 1) Spencer likes Brendon... a lot. 2) Spencer kind of enjoys hearing the conversations Brendon has with Lefty ("No, of course you shouldn't like Alpo. Science Diet is way better for you!") 3) Spencer (and no one else really) wants to see Brendon frown. A frowning Brendon is possibly one of the saddest things on Earth. Causing a frowning Brendon has to be up there with mortal sins (or at least a really really bad venial one).

*dies from the cute*

Jon just shows up one day with this entire litter of tiny kittens and they're not even weaned yet so Frank teaches him how to eye-dropper feed them and he sits cross-legged on the floor and Ryan, who lives two houses away and sort of lurks around because he has a crush on Mikey, just stares at Jon feeding these tiny kittens with, like, big-eyed awe or something, because Jon feeding tiny kittens is awesome.

Jon croons. He hums a little Zeppelin to them and he has them all named. Most of them are names from bassists in rockbands, but it's Jon. It's not surprising. One of the kittens dies and Jon buries in the back under one of the big trees, and he sits there a long time with the other kittens. It's only when Clara tugs on his sleeve that he gets up.

(okay, I kinda teared up a little there)

Brendon sort of adopts Jon then, becaus Jon needs to be cheered up and Brendon is self-proclaimedly the best cheerer-upper ever, and drags him out to help with all the outside animals everyday and Spencer gets ridiculously jealous and sullen, and Bob just watches him and shakes his head and finally takes him aside and goes, "Dude, seriously, you're like in love with him or something, right?" and Spencer just stares at him, because duh.

[aww *pets*]

"Brendon's doing something you could do," Bob says and not so gently shoves Spencer outside. The thing is. Well, the real thing is that Spencer kind of dislikes getting dirty. He hates being outside. And he burns. As in he goes out, Vitamin D touches his pale pale PALE skin and he burns. He turns kind of peachy gold after, but that first day he just BURNS.

Ray mothers everyone, and he clucks his tongue over Spencer and digs out some aloe vera lotion for him, and Spencer is a little miserable until Jon brings him a cherry icee.

And then Brendon starts rubbing the softly tanned skin of his arms all the time, and, okay, maybe Spencer is torn between Jon and Brendon, because Jon is awesome and Brendon is so damn adorable - yet Brendon is kind of in love with everyone. He's, like, in love with the world. He doesn't seem to like narrowing his focus on one person.

And on the other hand, Jon seems pretty straight. Ryan's not so sure - and even though Ryan follows Mikey around like a puppy most days, he's got this fascination for Jon. He studies him. Observation, he thinks, is key. He keeps a journal and everything.

Jon just thinks he has a staring problem, but he likes Ryan. He's willing to assume Ryan isn't, like, a dangerous stalker.

Ryan isn't a dangerous stalker. He's not. He does however like to keep Spencer safe. He's known Spencer since they were in diapers. He's just making sure Jon's not the one who's some crazy, crazy stalker.

If he kidnapped that Urie kid, Ryan wouldn't feel so bad.

Well not that bad. The animals seem to like him, even the hell spawn of a pig that Gerard has patrolling the front yard.

Bob and Ryan commiserate over the the Devil's First Minion a lot. Once, Ryan was cornered out by Clara's (and the other goat, who actually knows he's a goat) shed by the pig, and he was brandishing his boot 'cause it was all he had to defend himself and the pig kept lunging at him, and Brendon had to save him. It was completely humilating. Ryan really hates that pig.

Ray, in addition to mothering everybody, takes care of all the rescued reptiles, because Gerard is mildly terrified of snakes and stuff. Frank didn't know this at first, and he actually picked up a snake and said, "Here, hold 'im a minute, will you?" to Gerard and just draped him over Gerard's frozen shoulder, because Gerard was quietly freaking and almost passed out because he might have stopped breathing for a minute or ten - no sudden movements! - and then Mikey, quiet Mikey, flipped out on Frank, even though it wasn't Frank's fault! He didn't know!

Frank would never do it intentionally. They all know that. There's a side pool going for when Frank will actually get the juevos to man up and ask Gerard. Because as much as they love Gerard and his animal and world saving ways, Gerard is kind of clueless on most accounts.

Most accounts being when someone is mad crazy in love with them. Possibly not mad crazy, because that sounds silly. But seriously and deeply.

It's not like Frank's alone. Bob crushed. Crushed hard. Ray had a mild thing for him. Ryan did for about a split second then he caught sight of Mikey and well. Well, that's another Way Brothers story. Brendon loves everyone.

(Spencer didn't because Gerard's like an older brother and that' kind of gross. But he can see the appeal. Gerard does have a really nice ass.)

Frank is the one that counts though. They all know it.

So they're waiting. Really just waiting for Frank to clue Gerard in.

Patrick is the exotic animal vet that comes around. He tries to do all he can for free or as cheap as possible, 'cause he knows it's expensive to run the no-kill shelter. T-Bone - the parrot that attacks Ray's hair and calls Gerard "Pretty Lady" - is his favorite patient. Patrick is also Gerard's ex - from waaaay before - but they're still good friends. Patrick has money on the Frank/Gerard betting pool, and he's hoping to win big.

The betting pool is actually getting kind of ridiculous. Everyone's starting to cheat, coaching Frank and juggling his schedule around whenever it get's close to their particular picked date. Frank's starting to get suspicious. Gerard, as usual, has no idea all this is going on. Or does he?

Bob may have his own crush on a certain animal vet, but he's not going to say anything. He does however manage to look his worst whenever Patrick shows up. He doesn't plan it. It just happens.

The last time Patrick showed up Bob was covered from chest to knees in muck. Clara got out into the creek and dragged Bob in while he was trying to get her out. Spencer came by with a slightly wilted head of lettuce and that's all it took to get Clara out. Bob glared at them both and trudged back to the house in hopes of a shower.

Clara trotting behind him bleating with what he thought sounded like laughter.

He stomps into the kitchen and he smells a little like fish and Patrick's at the kitchen sink, T-Bone on his shoulder and Sapphy in the sink - since that's the easiest place to examine the ducks - and Bob stops dead and goes, "Um," and Patrick's brows go up and he says, "Hi, Bob," and Bob is usually able to talk to Patrick just fine, but for some reason he's struck dumb, dripping all over the floor and he's forgotten about Clara following him and she suddenly headbutts him in the ass and he stumbles into the table and Patrick just laughs.

Bob walks away. Okay, so it's a fast paced mostly run away. Spencer passes Bob in the hall and makes a face. Bob doesn't even have the presence of mind to hug him.

The kid deserved it.

Spencer soon starts a new pool. One on when Bob and Patrick will get together. It's not that Spencer thinks that Bob's some kind of stud. Or that Patrick's easy. But he's seen the way Patrick watches Bob's ass as he's bending over to help haul supplies in.

Ray would call that insider trading or something. Spencer just likes to think of it as smart.

Jon's the one who brings William. William didn't believe him when he told him about the evil guard-pig, so he tags along with him one day and just doesn't leave. Bill doesn't do anything, really. He just lounges around with Gabe - the Guy On The Other Side Of The Fence; that's actually how everyone describes him - and they write 'songs' about Gerard & Ray & Frank & Bob & Mikey that have a lot of obscene lyrics and references to goat fucking - which really is so tasteless, except you can't help but like Bill anyway and Gabe is Gabe. Occasionally they'll get high with Joe - the guy who delivers all the donated pet food from local businesses - and eat all of Bob's cheetos.

Bob doesn't mind so much. William keeps Gabe entertained so that means Gabe doesn't actually cross over from The Other Side. Gerard tends to eye Gabe a little suspiciously whenever Gabe's around. Gerard likes Gabe fine, but he's not too sure what Gabe's plans are when he talks to Mikey.

Mikey thinks Gabe is really funny. Dirty, but funny.

Ryan hates Gabe. A lot. And doesn't hide the fact that he does.

Naturally, Gabe always tries his very best to piss Ryan off. Mostly this manifests itself in rubbing all over Mikey in front of him – but never in front of Gerard, because Gabe is crazy, but not suicidal – as often as possible. He gives Ryan these smug, satisfied, raunchy looks over the top of Mikey’s head even when he’s just casually touching him, and Ryan’ll quietly seethe, teeth clenched.

Brendon bumps his arm and says, “Dude, you shouldn’t let him see how much it bothers you,” and, “Just tell Mikey or something,” like he’s some sort of fucking love guru – which is sort of ridiculous, because Brendon, despite his enthusiastic love for everybody in the entire world, has never gone past above-the-waist making out.

He’s not really religious anymore, but he leaves pamphlets on chastity vows around the house and talks about how, “It’s totally cool to keep it in my pants; Jesus loves me and all,” and no one’s really sure if he’s joking or not.

Ryan thinks maybe Brendon ate too many paint chips and glue when he was a little kid. Brendon accuses Ryan of being an “alien cyborg,” because he’s been watching episodes of Star Trek late at night when he can’t sleep.

Ryan is not about to fall for that talk. He once talked to Ray and Andy for two hours while they discussed the merits of the borg and the Federation. He's just lucky Gerard wasn't around. He's seen Gerard go on forever about Seven of Nine and how her character was a... Well, Ryan kind of stopped listening after a while.

Brendon offers to make Mikey jealous. "We could make out. You know in front of him!" Brendon thinks this is a brilliant idea.

Ryan still thinks he ate too many paint chips as a kid.

"No, no, seriously, we could totally make out!" Brendon insists. "Just, like, remember to keep your hands out of my pants."

Ryan rolls his eyes and assures Brendon that really wouldn't be a problem. If they were actually going to make out. Which they aren't, because it's a completely lame idea.

Bob, who's been blatantly eavesdropping, thinks it's a great idea, mainly because it'll be hilarious to watch, and pops up out of the goat pen to tell them. Brendon kind of screams like a girl.

"I did not scream like a girl," Brendon says two seconds later as Ryan and Bob are laughing at him.

It was a very manly frightened exclamation. And he only jumped a little.

Bob crosses his arms over his chest. "You two. Get with the making out. Mikey's due back anytime now."

Ryan eyes him. "When did I say this was going to happen?"

Brendon is too busy putting on chapstick to say more than a muffled, "Yaaaay!"

Ryan shakes his head, because no way, but then Brendon lunges forward and catches his arms and totally just plants one on his mouth. Ryan's stunned still, and Bob goes, "Oh, come on, you can do better than that," and then Brendon's really kissing him, and he's actually sort of fantastic at it. Huh.

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