My poor beta-reader
Aug. 30th, 2004 10:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skoosiepantsMy beta-reader, Angelique, is still patiently waiting for Chapter 18 of the Origin of Storms.
I suck at writing fight scenes! Somebody put me out of my misery! I need any advice possible on fleshing out the following scene. Please.
HOWEVER, if you don't wish to know where I'm going with the end of this story ahead of time, you might not want to read it.
****
The Staff.
Ginny stared at the woman, the childish voice ringing in her head.
You need the Calling Staff.
Of course. She needed the Staff. But where the bloody hell was it? Tears pricked the back of her eyes and she blinked rapidly, stamping down on the panic that was welling in her chest, watching as her brother coughed and sputtered in pain, flecks of blood at the corner of his mouth. She’d heard about it, of course, but she’d never actually seen the Cruciatus Curse being used, hadn’t before born firsthand witness to the agony. That it was Ron on the receiving end made it that much worse.
Harry, Ron and Pansy hadn’t stood a chance against the group of Death Eaters, not when they were so outnumbered. Hermione was disarmed easily, and now all of them were without wands, with no possible way of escaping.
Ginny would be deluding herself if she thought they hadn’t noticed Draco and her crouching in the corner. They had no where to go.
Voldemort stood over Ron, amusement glowing eerily in his red eyes, his bony fingers curled around his wand.
And then the door burst open and Lupin plunged into the room, followed quickly by a half-dozen cloaked figures, hexes and curses at their lips.
“Hermione!” Lupin shouted over the chaos. “Get the hell out of here!”
Easier said than done, Hermione thought frantically. Beside her, Pansy cried out as a Stunner shoved her off her feet, and Hermione dropped down next to her and grabbed her arm. “Harry,” she yelped, watching as the green-eyed boy tried his best to fight his way towards Ron.
He flicked his gaze over his shoulder, and then swiftly spun back to them, face screwed up in equal parts fear, anger and desperation. An Auror slammed into his side and he stumbled, rolling onto his back as he hit the ground.
Hermione scrambled over Pansy’s prone body and hastily wrapped one arm around each of them. Palming the stone, she gave one last glance in Ron’s direction, and shouted, “Sugar Quills.”
She felt the tug and swirl of the Portkey as it sucked them in and then spit them back out, landing with a harsh cry on the steps of the Three Broomsticks. Pansy, still knocked out by the Stunner, rolled off the stoop to land in the mud, and Harry groaned, sitting up and shaking his head, and then blinking owlishly at their surroundings.
He shot an incredulous look at Hermione. “What did you do?” he demanded in a hush.
She swallowed thickly. “We needed to get out of there, Harry. We don’t have our wands, and we were just getting in the way, and we’d only end up getting hurt if we’d stayed—“
“You left Ron,” he accused.
With a jerky nod, she went on softly, “And Ginny and Malfoy, too, Harry.”
“How could you?” Anger made his eyes blaze, his mouth a tense line.
“Professor Lupin’s there,” she said, her own voice starting to rise. “And… and we would have done more harm than good if I hadn’t gotten us out of there. You have to see that!”
“But—“
“They couldn’t have protected us all!” she exclaimed, understanding Harry’s anger, but not willing to accept it. Couldn’t he see that she hated leaving them behind? Leaving Ron? “I promised Professor Lupin I’d get whoever I could out of there. You and Pansy were closest.”
“But…” he trailed off lamely, the surge of temper draining out of him as he spotted Pansy crumpled on the ground. “We should get her to Pomfrey.”
“We should,” agreed Hermione, equally subdued. “Harry?”
He shrugged a shoulder and got to his feet. “Yeah?”
“I’m sorry,” she nearly whispered, slipping her hand into his for a brief moment and squeezing his palm before getting to her feet as well.
He gave her a watery smile, then hefted the dark Slytherin girl into his arms, cradling her against his chest, and started off towards the school.
****
I don't like mondays.
I suck at writing fight scenes! Somebody put me out of my misery! I need any advice possible on fleshing out the following scene. Please.
HOWEVER, if you don't wish to know where I'm going with the end of this story ahead of time, you might not want to read it.
****
The Staff.
Ginny stared at the woman, the childish voice ringing in her head.
You need the Calling Staff.
Of course. She needed the Staff. But where the bloody hell was it? Tears pricked the back of her eyes and she blinked rapidly, stamping down on the panic that was welling in her chest, watching as her brother coughed and sputtered in pain, flecks of blood at the corner of his mouth. She’d heard about it, of course, but she’d never actually seen the Cruciatus Curse being used, hadn’t before born firsthand witness to the agony. That it was Ron on the receiving end made it that much worse.
Harry, Ron and Pansy hadn’t stood a chance against the group of Death Eaters, not when they were so outnumbered. Hermione was disarmed easily, and now all of them were without wands, with no possible way of escaping.
Ginny would be deluding herself if she thought they hadn’t noticed Draco and her crouching in the corner. They had no where to go.
Voldemort stood over Ron, amusement glowing eerily in his red eyes, his bony fingers curled around his wand.
And then the door burst open and Lupin plunged into the room, followed quickly by a half-dozen cloaked figures, hexes and curses at their lips.
“Hermione!” Lupin shouted over the chaos. “Get the hell out of here!”
Easier said than done, Hermione thought frantically. Beside her, Pansy cried out as a Stunner shoved her off her feet, and Hermione dropped down next to her and grabbed her arm. “Harry,” she yelped, watching as the green-eyed boy tried his best to fight his way towards Ron.
He flicked his gaze over his shoulder, and then swiftly spun back to them, face screwed up in equal parts fear, anger and desperation. An Auror slammed into his side and he stumbled, rolling onto his back as he hit the ground.
Hermione scrambled over Pansy’s prone body and hastily wrapped one arm around each of them. Palming the stone, she gave one last glance in Ron’s direction, and shouted, “Sugar Quills.”
She felt the tug and swirl of the Portkey as it sucked them in and then spit them back out, landing with a harsh cry on the steps of the Three Broomsticks. Pansy, still knocked out by the Stunner, rolled off the stoop to land in the mud, and Harry groaned, sitting up and shaking his head, and then blinking owlishly at their surroundings.
He shot an incredulous look at Hermione. “What did you do?” he demanded in a hush.
She swallowed thickly. “We needed to get out of there, Harry. We don’t have our wands, and we were just getting in the way, and we’d only end up getting hurt if we’d stayed—“
“You left Ron,” he accused.
With a jerky nod, she went on softly, “And Ginny and Malfoy, too, Harry.”
“How could you?” Anger made his eyes blaze, his mouth a tense line.
“Professor Lupin’s there,” she said, her own voice starting to rise. “And… and we would have done more harm than good if I hadn’t gotten us out of there. You have to see that!”
“But—“
“They couldn’t have protected us all!” she exclaimed, understanding Harry’s anger, but not willing to accept it. Couldn’t he see that she hated leaving them behind? Leaving Ron? “I promised Professor Lupin I’d get whoever I could out of there. You and Pansy were closest.”
“But…” he trailed off lamely, the surge of temper draining out of him as he spotted Pansy crumpled on the ground. “We should get her to Pomfrey.”
“We should,” agreed Hermione, equally subdued. “Harry?”
He shrugged a shoulder and got to his feet. “Yeah?”
“I’m sorry,” she nearly whispered, slipping her hand into his for a brief moment and squeezing his palm before getting to her feet as well.
He gave her a watery smile, then hefted the dark Slytherin girl into his arms, cradling her against his chest, and started off towards the school.
****
I don't like mondays.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-30 08:02 pm (UTC)I think it reads well as it is. Did you want more action?
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-31 04:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-31 08:26 am (UTC)I'm lovin' it!
-Jess
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-31 10:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-31 11:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-31 02:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-31 05:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-01 05:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-01 12:13 pm (UTC)blaise/hermione goodness...