Not!Fic: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

[skoosiepants]

So I had a hankering for a buddyfic with slashy undertones, but nothing overt. And then I had a eureka moment, because Planes, Trains and Automobiles is one of my favorite Thanksgiving movies, and the end always makes my heart ache, and I totally don't want to write it, so I kind of... didn't write it. The 'they're drunk' line was only slightly amended from the movie, because that part is absolute genius. Also, someone slicker than I could've made it all heartwarming and stuff, and more with the hilarity, and also threaded in John's life better, but! As I said, this is not a fic. It's important to remember that.

So Rodney has to make it home to Vancouver for Christmas or Jeannie’ll literally kill him, since he’s missed Maddy’s last four birthdays and he hasn’t yet met little Robert, only nine months old, but there’s a massive snowstorm sweeping into Colorado springs. He makes his plane, though, settles in next to this honestly pretty man who flirts with all the stewardesses and has this annoying tendency to read over Rodney’s shoulder. He points out obvious things like he can’t have electronics out while they’re ascending, and Rodney snaps that he knows that, thanks, except they’re still taxiing, aren’t they?

In fact, they’ve been taxiing for the past forty-five minutes – Sheppard’s already gotten the redhead’s number – and Rodney starts buzzing the steward call, like, over and over again, and she stomps over finally with a pissy, “What?” and giggles when Sheppard winks at her and drawls, “Sorry about that. He’s just a nervous flyer.” Rodney glares at him, then demands to know why the hell they hadn’t taken off yet, and why does it seem like they’re not going to take off any time soon, and then the captain comes on over the speakers and says that due to poor weather conditions, the flight is cancelled.

Sheppard shrugs and gets up, pulling down his carry-on from the overhead while Rodney fumbles with his laptop and laptop case and seatbelt, cursing under his breath. By the time he gets out of his seat, Sheppard’s gone, and he jerks his own carry-on down with too much force and it hits him on the head. A little kid points and laughs and he growls at him.

He calls Jeannie walking back down the gangway, and she assures him that it doesn’t matter, he can get a car and get there, or she was cutting him out of her will, to which he rolls his eyes and disparages Kaleb’s “job” and how much that would not hurt him – and then she amends it to cutting off his balls if he makes her daughter cry, and Maddy’s in the background shouting, “Uncle Mer, Uncle Mer!” and Rodney slaps a hand over his eyes and drags it down his face, sighing in defeat.

Nobody’s really going anywhere. Car rentals are shut down with the roads nearly impassable. He gets into a screaming argument with the girl at the rental counter and then Sheppard’s there, cocking his love-me grin and tugging on Rodney’s sleeve, saying he’s got a ride if he wants to share. Rodney agrees, of course, because he doesn’t honestly care how he gets to Canada, he just needs to get there, only he hadn’t figured for bunking in with a traveling band. A traveling oompa band that loves to practice in the back, where Rodney is squished between Sheppard and a three hundred pound man dripping with sweat and blowing into a trumpet.

They get to Wyoming in one piece though, and Rodney stumbles exhausted into the Cheyenne Regional Airport, which, of course, only goes from Denver and back, but they have a rental counter. He gets in line behind Sheppard, gets a car, and when he gets out to the lot, said car is not there. Great. So he trudges back into the rental place, where the frigidly polite lady pastes on a brittle smile – he’d totally been rude to her before – and informs him that there are no more cars. No more cars in the entire airport, because he is just that lucky.

Sheppard has a car though, and hey, he’s still going Rodney’s way, so why doesn’t he just come with?

Sheppard has stupid, flippy hair and a drawl that makes him sound like an idiot, but his eyes are wide and earnest, and it’s a ride, and Rodney really has to get home. So he says, “Fine,” and, “I’m driving,” and Sheppard laughs and says, “No way.”

Sheppard drives like a maniac, though, and Rodney’s just desperately glad they make it to a motel in one piece that night. A packed motel, and they share a room, and that’s okay. They get a bottle of jack and fast food and talk and Rodney tells Sheppard about his sister and how she’s wasting her brilliance raising children and how her husband’s some sort of health freak who doesn’t believe in hamburgers—“Who doesn’t believe in hamburgers?” “I know!”—and Sheppard talks about his family out in Montana and the ranch he grew up on, even though he’s totally afraid of horses and bugs. He talks about his job in sales with Boeing, how it’s boring, but likes that he travels around a lot, hasn’t called any place home for years. He says he likes to fly—pilot—and Rodney says that explains the driving, and Sheppard’s all, “Huh?” and Rodney snaps, “I thought I was going to die!” and Sheppard just laughs.

Somehow they end up passed out on only one of the double beds, and wake up all tangled together, with Rodney curled around Sheppard, and Rodney jerks away and stammers and his face gets red, but Sheppard only grins and shrugs, says it’s no big.

They’re in the car all day, alternating behind the wheel, and they drive as far into the night as they can. They’re both tired, and Rodney drifts off while Sheppard’s driving, then jerks awake when they go over a few of those shoulder bumps, and Sheppard jerks his head, too, but Rodney doesn’t make anything out of it – then. A couple driving next to them start yelling out their window, and Rodney leans forward, trying to make out what they’re saying, finally gleaning something like, “You’re going the wrong way!”

Sheppard says, “Oh, they’re drunk; how do they know where we’re going?” and Rodney agrees, waving at them with a dry, “Thanks. Very helpful,” but then they realize there are two really big semis coming right for them, and they’re going the wrong way, and the other car had been on the other side of the median, and they were going to die!

Rodney yells, “OH GOD NO!” and, “I’m too handsome and brilliant to die in a fiery car crash!” and Sheppard’s shouting, “Break! Break!” and Rodney’s shouting back, “Don’t break! Get off the FUCKING ROAD!” and then they both squeeze their eyes shut and they miraculously make it past the trucks, the car screeching in between them, metal sparking.

They skid to a stop off the side of the road, and Rodney stumbles out to vomit, and Sheppard’s out after him, giggling, and then Rodney joins in, giddy, because they’re alive, dammit, and then the car blows up.

Rodney’s wallet was in the car. And his cell phone.

Sheppard has little to no money on him, and he admits to lifting one of Rodney’s credit cards to rent the car. But then he put the credit card back, of course, so it’s burning to a crisp inside the sedan.

It starts snowing, the fire burns down, they figure what the hell, it drives, and they chug along towards a motel. Rodney pays for his room with a very expensive watch and a pack of gum. Sheppard’s got nothing on him, and Rodney is still pissed about the accident, which was all Sheppard’s fault for falling asleep at the wheel, not to mention the credit card filching, so there’s no way Rodney’s sharing.

He calls Jeannie and tells her about the trip—minus the almost-death and the fiery car explosion, because he’s pretty sure she doesn’t want to hear that—and about Sheppard and how much of a menace he is, working himself up into an angry snit again.

That lasts about an hour, then he starts feeling guilty about Sheppard and wondering where he is. It’s still snowing, snowing harder, actually, and he peeks out the window to see Sheppard huddled in the car – which is pretty much just the metal frame and some blackened vinyl. He sighs and goes out to get him. Sheppard’s petulant, though, and clenches his jaw and says, “No, thank you,” and, “I’m fine,” and Rodney gets frustrated and waves his arms and snaps, “You’re not fine! It’s, like, 10 below and you’ve got zero body fat and can you even feel your legs anymore?” and then he manhandles him out of the car—the door drops off onto the ground—and into the hotel room, and then shoves him into the bathroom.

“Strip,” he says, and when Sheppard arches an eyebrow at him, he would’ve been embarrassed except Sheppard’s lips are quivering and blue and Rodney’s pretty sure he’s one step above hypothermia, so he adds, “Now,” to the command.

Rodney leans over and turns on the water full force while Sheppard slowly peals off his layers, fingers fumbling, his body shaking. He helps with his shirt, the buttons on his pants, and keeps up a running commentary about how much of a moron Sheppard is, and Sheppard’s just silent, hazel eyes dark and skin really eerily pale. Rodney doesn’t look at him naked—not really—and Sheppard slips into the tub, grimacing when his skin touches the hot water. Then he sighs and says, “I fell into a lake once.”

Rodney makes a I’m-totally-not-surprised sound, and pulls down some threadbare towels off the rack, then sits on the toilet lid and rubs a hand over his tired eyes.

Sheppard goes on with a soft, “It was worse than this.”

Rodney opens his eyes and looks at him.

“Under the ice,” Sheppard elaborates. Then he relaxes into the water and closes his eyes and offers, totally off topic, “I was in the Air Force once, too. Kicked me out when they realized I was more trouble than I was worth.”

Rodney snorts, because he can believe that, then he gets Sheppard out and bundles him up in towels and then blankets and gets him into bed, and Sheppard’s out like a light, rosy-cheeked and messy-haired, and Rodney sleeps above the covers.

The next morning they trudge on in the car that is more of a wreck than a car, but the engine runs, and Sheppard sings Roxette songs and Rodney rolls his eyes, and they’re pulled over by a cop because of speeding, only they don’t have a speedometer, so they have no idea how fast they were going, and the cop is suspicious of the road safety-ness of their vehicle, but Rodney talks him into giving them a ride back into town.

They’re in Montana by that point, and Rodney thinks he can make it home by a few different trains, and they end up at the station, sitting next to each other, chuckling a little over their adventures, because it was bad, but it wasn’t that bad, and they’d been in it together.

Sheppard’s obviously proud about getting Rodney most of the way home, “So your sister won’t kill you.”

Sheppard bumps his shoulder as Rodney’s train rolls in. Rodney grins at him, tells him that Jeannie would like him, and that he should visit some time. Sheppard nods and says, “Sure,” like he thinks Rodney doesn’t mean it, and Rodney was going to press the point but they’re calling for his train.

Rodney fidgets in front of him, then blurts out, “Say hello to your family for me,” and Sheppard just smiles and says, “See ya, Rodney,” and Rodney waves and goes to board the train.

Rocking with the train, Rodney thinks back on the past couple days, thinks back on Sheppard, smiling a little, and then it just clicks. He doesn’t know why he’s so sure about it, but Sheppard never said he was going home, practically said he didn’t have a home, and he never talked about anybody in present tense, and he just knows. He knows that Sheppard doesn’t have anywhere to go for the holidays. And that... that just isn’t right.

He gets off on the next stop and goes back, and finds Sheppard sitting exactly where he’d left him hours ago, only he’s slumped down, leaning over his spread knees, arms resting across his thighs.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he demands tactlessly. “You don’t have a family, do you?”

Sheppard jerks his head up, just looks at Rodney. Then says, slowly, “They kind of agreed with the military.”

Rodney stares at him, and Sheppard cups the back of his neck and adds, sheepishly, “I’ve got an apartment in Colorado Springs,” which means he’s completely insane, and didn’t actually need to go to Vancouver at all, and Rodney snaps, “Are you kidding me?”

Sheppard shrugs. “Canada seemed like a cool place to spend Christmas,” and Rodney realizes he’d originally booked the trip for himself, but traveled with Rodney for the pure pleasure of his company, and Rodney grabs his arm, urging him to his feet.

“Come on, come on,” he says. “You’re coming with me. After all you’ve put me through, there’s no way you’re leaving me to face Jeannie and her demon spawn all by myself.”

“But—“

“Shut up.”

Sheppard shuts up.

Jeannie’s first words to them are, “Here,” and, “Don’t let him eat the tinsel,” as she plops a chubby toddler into Rodney’s arms. Rodney passes him off to Sheppard, then gets accosted by a little curly-haired whirlwind screeching, “Uncle Mer, Uncle Mer!” and Sheppard furrows his brow on, “Uncle Mer?”

Jeannie kisses Rodney’s cheek and eyes Sheppard up and down and says, “So you’re the menace,” then leans forward and kisses his cheek and whispers, “Thank you for bringing him home.”

Comments

[lovelokest.livejournal.com]

Aww! :D You've made me smile happily! :D

*really wants to see this movie* *g*

[skoosiepants.livejournal.com]

*grins* thank you so much!